Life With An Eating Disorder
How It Happened
It happened at some point between starting school and stopping my original anxiety medication abruptly. I had no choice, as my husband lost his job and the insurance with it, I couldn’t see a doctor or get emergency doses in my state. A few months after going cold-turkey from that medication, my anxiety started ramping up, I couldn’t think straight, my mind was a mental prison, literally. Getting high made it worse, drinking made it worse, sleeping was my only relief but my mind wouldn’t let me rest enough. I couldn’t keep a lid on the anxiety. My hand tingles: anxiety. My hearing rings: anxiety. Everything set it off. So, eating wasn’t on my radar.
When I started with school, I started getting busy and walking more, to and from school, pride events, etc. I didn’t have much of an appetite, so I stopped eating full meals, and started eating less than half of a normal meal. At the worst of it, I was only eating 600 - 900 calories a day, when my baseline should be around 1200 calories. When I first moved to my college city, I weighed about 130 lbs. At the end of my eating disorder, I weighed only 108 lbs.
How It Hurt Me
Every time I felt shitty, my husband would always ask me, “Have you eaten enough? You need to eat.” The whole time, he knew it was getting worse, he knew how little I was eating. Almost daily, he would check in with me and see if I’ve eaten enough, he even got me an app to track my calorie intake. When I saw how little I was consuming, I cried to him, feeling so guilty for worrying him. I thought I was fine, that I was in control of it. I didn’t feel much different than normal.
Then the heart issues started. I started getting palpitations almost a dozen times a day. One medication for IBS caused my heart to frequently send me to the ER. After I got off that medication, my heart stopped hitting 180bpm, but I would still get adreneline dumps in the middle of the night, or I’d have to lay down to equilise my blood pressure a couple times a day. I had no energy, I couldn’t handle the heat of summer and almost got heat sickness any time I went camping (the heat never went above 90°). My husband and I went on a two week road trip up to the west coast, and I was so malnourished that I didn’t have energy to explore, bike, hike, or anything. I almost had no energy for sex. It was humiliating, and concerning. I thought my heart was giving me a million issues all of a sudden.
I still wasn’t eating enough.
How I Got Better
After seeing my cardiologist a second time, she suggested I see a nutritionist. Thankfully, she wasn’t booked out and I could see her within the week. And that appointment crushed me. I gave her all the information, and my husband filled in the blanks – I wasn’t eating enough, I wasn’t eating fruits or veggies, I wasn’t eating enough meat. The nutritionist asked me if I ever had an eating disorder before, and that took me by surprise. She then told me, “You are in mild starvation right now. Any worse and your body will start failing you.”
I broke down. I was failing my body. I was failing myself. Worst of all, I was failing my husband, and I was making him scared for my health. We both cried over this appointment. He was scared for my health, for my safety.
We made a plan, and got to shopping.
We focused on high-calorie ready-to-eat and frozen meals, and I ordered a large amount of soylent meal-replacement smoothies. On top of that, we got a lot of snacks, especially bread-y and fattening goodies, as that was something else I stopped eating completely. If you know me, you know I always have a snack nearby, in my purse, etc. I never usually go without a snack.
How I’m Doing Now
I’ve gotten so much better so quickly! I am currently 118 lbs, I have energy to walk, run, and explore things. I’m eating an almost perfectly balanced diet, and we’ve decided that it doesn’t matter what kind of food I eat (fast food vs home-cooked) as long as I have color on my plate (meat, veggies, etc) and I’m eating at least 2/3 of each meal. Now, I am able to eat an entire McDonalds burger, or a whole 12-piece nugget from Chik-fil-a. I’m still not able to eat a whole fast food meal, with the entree and the fries, but I at least can finish the entire entree while eating a little bit of the side dish. I am also less picky about leftover meals, and can eat those whenever I feel hungry. I am also no longer having scary health issues! I rarely have heart palpitations, my heart doesn’t randomly race anymore, and I’m able to work out without getting dizzy and light-headed.
I’m proud of myself for getting my health back to where it should be. It was causing so much depression and distress for myself that I couldn’t physically or mentally handle doing the things I love. It’s so important that you figure out where your priorities lie, and if your health isn’t at the top of that list, you need to rearrange everything. We deserve to live a long, healthy, and active life.
Goodnight, ttfn 💖