Just Today

Today started out pretty good, me and two friends went on a day trip to pick up some things that my friends needed. Then I helped one of them pack up their stuff from their school apartment and bring it to my place (we’ll be putting most of it in storage this week). I packed up almost all of my yarn except for the bits I think I’d use between now and February, which is when my husband, my two friends, and I move into a hopefully not expensive house together to save costs for all of us. All of us being in one 900sqft apartment has taught me that getting overstimulated is a lot easier, and that my mental health isn’t as good as I thought it was.

Borderline Personality Disorder

I have BPD; Not bi-polar, but borderline. People who have BPD usually get it through complex-PSTD, which I also have. That C-PTSD usually stems from childhood abuse and/or neglect, which I went through. How does this tie in to things today?

It ties in by affecting my originally great and fun mood and tanking it down to the floor with the flip of a switch.

Today, this happened because of a mix of things. One friend was being too stupid and goofy under the influence, poking me and poking my pimple and being clingy, I was overwhelmed with how much shit is suddenly in our apartment taking up space, and my husband doesn’t understand how these two friends and I treat each other (because he isn’t with us all day at school) so he contantly, and seriously, keeps telling me I’m “being too hard” on them and I’m “being too mean/ too much” to them. So, thanks to BPD, I am not only resenting my husband because of his blind bullshit, but he’s making me resent having my friends as friends. I resent giving up my daybed for my friends to sleep in because now I can’t have a night alone to cool off and get away from anyone, and I’m seriously considering sleeping in my car tonight, damn the consequence.

So, as a way of coping with these feelings, I am alone in my bedroom until everyone goes to bed and my husband comes into the bedroom and we inevitably have a chat, writing this blog post. Here’s to hoping it helps, because so far nothing’s changed and I still want to cry and fight everyone.

anyways. goodnight.